A little while ago, I worked on a fantastic community theatre show and had a wonderful time. Seriously, it was one of those perfect storms where great talent met great attitudes, and even the problems were kinda fun (in retrospect, anyway \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m deeply grateful to those who saved the day more than once).<\/p>\n
And then it occurred to me that there was something amiss with the show: we had no divas. None. How did this happen? In most shows there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s at least person who demands attention for just\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6demanding attention, one person who dumps a bowl of cold oatmeal on an otherwise hot breakfast buffet of a theatrical experience (I know, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a bad metaphor, but I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m hungry). And then I realized that the last show I was in was also diva-free \u00e2\u20ac\u201c in fact, it ain\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t easy to remember the last time a diva or two all but ruined my good time.<\/p>\n
Seriously\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6what the hell? Where have all the divas gone? I know they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re out there. Used to be you could count on two or three divas per show \u00e2\u20ac\u201c sometimes, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d take bets on who could steal the most focus and waste the most of the cast\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s and director\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time. Maybe they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re keeping to themselves, refusing to compromise the experience for everyone \u00e2\u20ac\u201c but that only means they were never true divas to begin with. More and more, show people are being nice, magnanimous, and kind to each other.<\/p>\n
This will not stand. Divadom is a tradition that must not go the way of the Walkman, or MySpace, or Terrence Trent D\u00e2\u20ac\u2122Arby. So to that end, I have provided a primer that will hopefully rekindle the proud flame of divadom, a state of being that transcends talent and gender (that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s right, fellas) and casts a ray of dark on an otherwise sunny production. Enjoy.<\/p>\n
AUDITIONS CAN BE FUN.<\/strong> True dat. But in this business we call show, we all must go through the humiliation of an audition from time to time. So make the best of it \u00e2\u20ac\u201c have fun! Think of it as a social opportunity. Chat with your friends. Laugh, dance, talk \u00e2\u20ac\u201c do whatever you must to stay \u00e2\u20ac\u0153loose\u00e2\u20ac\u009d until it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your turn (the louder the better \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it keeps your vocal cords lubricated). Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry about being distracting the directors \u00e2\u20ac\u201c they should<\/i> be focused on the auditioner, and if not, well, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s hardly your fault they forgot their Ritalin, right? And certainly pay no mind to the person auditioning \u00e2\u20ac\u201c if they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re bothered by you, they are clearly not focused on their song or their monologue or whatever their doing to eat up your time.<\/p>\n When they call your name, remember, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s important to be relaxed. So take your time. By all means, finish your conversation before taking your turn on stage. This will give the (correct) impression that you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really need<\/i> to be there \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got far better things to do. What director wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be impressed by that? Besides, it was rather rude of them to interrupt you.<\/p>\n If the show is a musical, you probably have a piano player there to accompany you. Unfortunately, piano players don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like you and will purposefully mess up your song. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll have to let them know quickly that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re onto their game by 1) pointing out where, in the sheet music, you start to sing (i.e., \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I sing here, where the words begin\u00e2\u20ac\u009d); 2) stopping them at least three times during your audition when they play that one wrong note that threw you off, and 3) rolling your eyes at the director and your fellow auditioners when you are finished, making sure they all know who is to blame for THAT disaster.<\/p>\n When you leave, remember, humility is the key. So be humble. Let everyone \u00e2\u20ac\u201c EVERYONE \u00e2\u20ac\u201c know that your audition was a TRAVESTY, that you usually perform SO much better than that. You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sick, of course (don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t forget to cough), and people are just being so mean to you today. Accept the inevitable \u00e2\u20ac\u0153oh, no, you were great\u00e2\u20ac\u009d comments with a barely perceptible nod, and then go back to your friends\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6and let the fun conversations continue!<\/p>\n RANK YOUR NEW CAST.<\/strong> But what if that bacterium of a director gave someone else YOUR part? Well, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a horse of a different feather, but the proper diva is ALWAYS a good sport. Prove it by constantly offering to help that role-stealing pleeb with the part. Give them line readings. Lots of \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcem. And don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t forget to ply them with sincere compliments, like \u00e2\u20ac\u0153wow, even though you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re way too old for this part, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got a really interesting voice\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153if you like, I can hit that note backstage and you can lip-synch\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and \u00e2\u20ac\u0153gosh, I never thought of this part being played that way. Huh.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d This way they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re in their \u00e2\u20ac\u0153corner,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d as they say in the biz. Remind them how sick you were at the audition. <\/p>\n BE FRIENDLY \u00e2\u20ac\u201c TALK ABOUT YOUR CASTMATES!<\/strong> REHEARSALS \u00e2\u20ac\u201c UGH!\t<\/strong> Weirdly, some directors get all yelly when you do this repeatedly. OMG, what is their deal!? Discuss this with your castmates \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll feel better. Directors are SO unreasonable. What are they going to do, replace you?<\/p>\n NOPE. YOU ARE IRREPLACABLE.<\/strong> DIRECTORS ARE DIRECTORS IN NAME ONLY.<\/strong> So what can you do? You can help! Offer constant suggestions, like \u00e2\u20ac\u0153my character doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to do that\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153yeah\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to say this instead.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If this doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t work, a silent stare \u00e2\u20ac\u201c with arms folded \u00e2\u20ac\u201c will often convey the message of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153your idea is bad\u00e2\u20ac\u009d without forcing you to say the unpleasant words \u00e2\u20ac\u0153your idea is bad.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n Of course, some directors, perhaps because their \u00e2\u20ac\u0153title\u00e2\u20ac\u009d has the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153direct\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in it, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appreciate input from the actors. But \u00e2\u20ac\u0153director\u00e2\u20ac\u009d also contains the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153or,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d as in \u00e2\u20ac\u0153or, I can just do what I want\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Fun fact: it also contains the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153ire!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d) Just remember, you can always allow the director to believe he or she is in charge \u00e2\u20ac\u201c right up until opening night. Then, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re free to fix their mistakes, put yourself in center stage where you belong, and take long pauses before each of your lines to draw attention to yourself. There \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you just \u00e2\u20ac\u0153fixed\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the show. And you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not even asking to share directing credit, even though you totally deserve it. Stupid director probably won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even thank you. <\/p>\n YOU PROVIDE THE TALENT. LET THEM DO THE WORK.<\/strong> TECH WEEK = BLECH WEEK!<\/strong> Okay, hold on, superstar. Just take a nice deep breath (and another shot of Kahlua). After all, without lights, and\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6whatever else the tech people do, there would be no stage for you to shine. Remember: these are techies. If they were actually good and smart and stuff, they would be actors. So you have to encourage them. Smile at them. Call them \u00e2\u20ac\u0153hon\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or something. Let them know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re on their side, and that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153good sport\u00e2\u20ac\u009d who will \u00e2\u20ac\u0153get into the spirit\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of this ridiculous day.<\/p>\n For an hour or so. <\/p>\n But even then, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no reason to raise your voice at the sad little people in the black turtlenecks. Instead, try greeting every \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Hold Please!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d with a loud, audible sigh (every now and then, slap your thighs for emphasis. Try it \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it works!). Now your director might ask you what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wrong \u00e2\u20ac\u201c how rude! If something was wrong, you would have said \u00e2\u20ac\u0153something is wrong,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d right? But still, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no reason to get upset, because you know the one rule of tech: downtime = your time! While they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re adjusting the lights \u00e2\u20ac\u201c take a break. Visit the necessary. Take a little walk. Have another drink. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry, when it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time to start again, someone will find you. Eventually. If they care about the show, that is.<\/p>\n Hang in there, kid! In a few days the vermin on the tech crew will go from hopelessly stupid to pretty much stupid. You know what that means \u00e2\u20ac\u201c showtime!<\/p>\n IT\u00e2\u20ac\u2122S NOT YOUR FAULT. BUT IT IS SOMEONE\u00e2\u20ac\u2122S FAULT.<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You missed your mark,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll say. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t your line \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you were supposed to say \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcI love you,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 not \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcOhmygod I totally forgot your name,\u00e2\u20ac\u2122\u00e2\u20ac\u009d they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll whine. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That was MY song!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll bleat. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153You were supposed to be in that scene! Why are you in the dressing room on the phone?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll whimper. Etc., etc. You see? Vindictive little trolls. <\/p>\n So how can you defend against this? Same way you drive: with a good offense! Sure, things will go wrong \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s theatre, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s full of morons who constantly screw things up. And sometimes you have to remind people of that, lest they point the finger at you. You missed your cue? That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because the light was totally in your eyes. Said the wrong line? That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s because your costume makes you look hideous (besides, your line was better). Didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t come out for your scene? Well SOMEBODY (probably that weaselly person who wears the headphones backstage) obviously forgot to tell you. Accidentally sang someone else\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s song? Clearly the prop person had the glass in the wrong place, totally throwing you off. Oh \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and no matter what, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t forget \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re sick. Terrible, terrible cold, all due to the assistant director\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s 8-month-old sneezing in the theater a few minutes before you arrived. Seriously, you are REALLY sick, which you should still be reminding people on your third mudslide at the aftershow party.<\/p>\n REMEMBER: WE\u00e2\u20ac\u2122RE HERE FOR YOU!<\/strong> Congratulations, my friend. You have successfully achieved Diva Status, Theatre Division. Now stop reading this article, which was written by someone far beneath you, and charge up your cell phone \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got auditions to attend!<\/p>\n Divinely, A little while ago, I worked on a fantastic community theatre show and had a wonderful time. Seriously, it was one of those perfect storms where great talent met great attitudes, and even the problems were kinda fun (in retrospect, anyway \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m deeply grateful to those who saved the day more than once). And […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[13,19],"class_list":["post-213","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-playpen","tag-rueful-laughter","tag-truth-hurts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=213"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":221,"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/213\/revisions\/221"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=213"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=213"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattcasarino.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=213"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nI know what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re thinking. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I have to audition? But this is MY part \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve wanted to play it ever since someone told me a couple months ago I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be perfect for it!\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n
\nSo you did the director a solid and accepted a part in the play. Way to go! Now it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s time to size up your new castmates \u00e2\u20ac\u201c after all, this will be your family for the next several weeks. And, just like family, there are some people you like (leads), some you tolerate (featured), and some who simply aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worth the gift of your company (ensemble, tech, directors). Figure out who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s who early in the process. If you aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t sure who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s who yet, just go by who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the cutest (after you, of course! ROFL!)<\/p>\n
\nPeople love to talk \u00e2\u20ac\u201c and what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more interesting than other people? Nothing, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what! And who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s more interesting than the people in your cast? No one, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s who! So talk about them and talk often. People love being talked about \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it makes them feel important. However, some people are so<\/i> sensitive \u00e2\u20ac\u201c they apparently don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appreciate the attention you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re giving them by discussing their talent (or lack thereof). So just to be safe, only talk about people when they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not there to overhear. Don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6if they show up, you can just immediately start talking about other<\/i> people in the cast and their<\/i> lack of talent. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the circle of life! <\/p>\n
\nCertainly, you need to attend some<\/i> rehearsals, so the other actors will know your blocking so they can stay out of your way. But what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s with this schedule the directors gave you? Did they ask if you WANT to rehearsing on those particular days? Hells no! But still, there it is in writing. They must have put some thought into it, right? Please. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re directors. As we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll learn later, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got the brain capacity and security level of a chorus member. (Lulz!) Besides, they didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think to consult you<\/i> about your<\/i> schedule and ask for your<\/i> conflicts, did they? Oh, they did? Well, that was a long time ago \u00e2\u20ac\u201c how were you supposed to know whether you might make plans on future rehearsal nights? So don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t worry about it. Just show up when you feel like it. Oh, you should definitely call (or better yet \u00e2\u20ac\u201c text) them and let them know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not coming \u00e2\u20ac\u201c after all, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a good sport. Make sure you give them a one-hour warning. In other words, if rehearsal starts at 7:00, let them know you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not coming by 8.<\/p>\n
\nEspecially after they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve fitted you for costumes. <\/p>\n
\nYou know how they say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153those who can, do, those who can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t, teach?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d No? Well\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6they say that. Anyway, here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the theater version: those who can, act, those who can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t act do tech, those who can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do tech do costumes, and those who can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even do that have a cousin or something who directs. Seriously, look at these other people in the cast \u00e2\u20ac\u201c would they even be here if the director knew what he or she was doing? <\/p>\n
\nThe tech people aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t going out on stage to sing and act, are they? ARE THEY? No, of course not. Can you imagine? LOL! No, entertaining the masses is your<\/i> job. Their job is to, like, move sets or whatever. Sometimes\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6seriously, this happens\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6they might ask YOU to move something, to position a prop, to stand on your \u00e2\u20ac\u0153mark,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d whatever that is. Can you believe the arrogance? Still, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no need to remind them of their place in the world \u00e2\u20ac\u201c remember, some theatre people can be so<\/i> sensitive. Besides, that would require actually talking<\/i> to them (ick! Lol!) and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s certainly no reason to do them THAT. Better to just shake your head sadly and walk away.<\/p>\n
\nIt is the first day of tech week (a really stupid week to begin with) and these people simply do Not. Know. What. They\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re. Doing! Seriously \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been rehearsing for, what, three months now? You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done YOUR job \u00e2\u20ac\u201c you know almost half of your lines, and the rest were stupid anyway. Why can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t these fungi get it right?<\/p>\n
\nYou know what\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fun about live theatre? Anything can happen! And anything will. And here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the thing about show people: they are vicious! (Not you, of course.) They are mean, spiteful creatures who love to point the finger of blame. Which means that sometimes \u00e2\u20ac\u201c sometimes \u00e2\u20ac\u201c that finger of blame might be pointed at you.<\/p>\n
\nWhen it comes down to it, who is actually the one saying lines (better ones than the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153playwright\u00e2\u20ac\u009d wrote\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6we should totally call those people \u00e2\u20ac\u0153playwrongs,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d LOL!) and singing songs during a show? Why, you, of course! Well, a few other people too, but whatever. So always remember that all these sad little creatures running around backstage, all the vaguely unpleasant faces you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been seeing over the past couple of months, all those names you skip over in the program to read your bio again \u00e2\u20ac\u201c they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all here to facilitate your performance. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s kind of touching, in a way, I guess. Sure, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll probably (definitely) screw up and ruin everything, but they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re here, and they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re trying<\/i>. So be sure to be a gracious<\/i> diva and treat them with kindness. \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Kindness,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d in this case, means never learning anything about them \u00e2\u20ac\u201c after all, that would violate their whole purpose for being here! But you know what? Learn their names. Yeah. Seriously. Well, not ALL of their names, that would be insanity. But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be amazed how far knowing one or two names will get you (hint: take notes). After all, which sounds better: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Um\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6you. One of you idiots forgot to put my water in its place, and I go on in 20 minutes. Fix it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d Or: \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Charlie, one of you \u00e2\u20ac\u201c wait, it was\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6(checking your 3\u00e2\u20ac\u009d x 5\u00e2\u20ac\u009d card)\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6Lisa \u00e2\u20ac\u201c forgot to put my water in its place, and I go on in 20 minutes. Can you fix it, Chester? Er, Charlie?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d You see how much friendlier that is? It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s impressive, too. Why, ol\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 Charlie will be so delighted that a star like you knows his name (even if it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not actually \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Charlie\u00e2\u20ac\u009d \u00e2\u20ac\u201c it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the effort that counts) that he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll ALWAYS make sure your water is in its place, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll probably bitch-slap Lisa after the show. See? The circle of theatre is complete.<\/p>\n
\nMatt<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"